See How They Run
AUDITION INFORMATION
“See How They Run”
Audition Dates: July 16 and 17, 7:00, in the rehearsal hall (upstairs) at the Actors Guild … enter from Market Street
Director: Greg Merritt ([email protected])
Assistant Director: Terri Borrelli
Costumer: Reinnie Leavitt
Here is some information about the show …
“See How They Run” is a farce. It takes place in a rural village in England, around the time of the start of WW II.
Penelope has recently married Lionel, the vicar in the local church. Penelope is an American and an actress/singer who doesn’t quite fit into a small-town, pious lifestyle [although she is deeply in love with her husband]. Miss Skillon, a member of the church, is quick to point out Penelope’s faults and various faux pas.
Penelope and Lionel are expecting two houseguests. Her uncle, a respected bishop, is coming to observe Lionel at work. Reverend Humphrey, another vicar, is going to be a guest speaker at church.
On one particular afternoon, Lionel is called away to help with a community event. Penelope receives a surprise visitor, her old friend, Clive. Clive is a corporal in the US Army and is stationed at a nearby post. Penelope and Clive used to work together in a theatrical troupe and decide to see a play that evening. Miss Skillon becomes convinced that Penelope is stepping out on Lionel, and drowns her sorrows in cooking sherry. Clive knows he cannot be seen in uniform off-base, so he decides to wear one of Lionel’s suits (now we have two priests).
Of course, the Bishop and Reverend Humphrey both show up earlier than expected (now we have four priests). There is another complication: a Russian POW has escaped from the base and the local constable is hot on his trail. The Russian also disguises himself as a vicar (now we have five priests!). Ida, the maid, tries to make sense of it all, as she deal with her crush on Clive (who might be a soldier … or an actor … or a priest …??)
This play is hilarious with its many cases of mistaken identity, hiding in closets, running back and forth, and quick one-liners.
Character Descriptions …
Penelope – bubbly and fun; sometimes a bit snarky; must be able to sing loudly and off-key; married to Lionel; American accent
Ida – often confused, but sometimes more “in-the-know” than anyone else; many funny lines; British accent
Miss Skillon – pompous and superior; must be able to play “drunk;” British accent
Lionel – sincere and overwhelmed; truly loves his wife and his vocation; married to Penelope; British accent
The Bishop – serious but easily confused; a bit judgmental; Penelope’s uncle; British accent
Clive – charming and funny; dedicated to the US Army; Penelope’s old friend; American accent
Reverend Humphrey – good-natured and kind; a little slow on the uptake; British accent
The Constable – loud and in-charge; flustered; British accent
The POW – menacing; sick and tired of the British folks; Russian accent
There are suggested ages for the characters in the script, but each character can be ‘aged up’ or ‘aged down’ depending on the turn-out for auditions.
Performance Dates …
Friday, September 29 and Saturday, September 30
Sunday, October 1
Friday, October 6 and Saturday, October 7
Some notes …
There is a British movie version of this play. It was produced in 1955.
A more recent film, called “See How They Run,” came out a couple of years ago, but it is not based on this play.
Those who audition are not expected to have perfect accents. We will work on the accents as characters are developed. Do not let the accent deter you from auditioning.
There are many wonderful opportunities for participating at the Actors Guild of Parkersburg this coming season. Check out the website for information about shows.
Audition Selections …
Audition Selection #1
[Miss Skillon is not happy, and she just finished a rather unsatisfactory chat with Ida … so, she is in a mood!]
Lionel: Good afternoon Miss Skillon! I’m so sorry I wasn’t in to receive you. Penelope didn’t mention that you were coming to tea.
Miss Skillon: I have not come to tea, Mr. Toop. I wanted to see you.
Lionel: Oh! Oh, yes, certainly. But tea is here, so won’t you join us? Do sit down. (yelling upstairs) Penelope?? Penelope?? (back to Miss Skillon) No use! When Penelope begins her exercises, she’s lost to the world. Never mind. We’ll begin, shall we?
Miss Skillon: (solemnly) Mr. Toop, I am hurt.
Lionel: Oh dear! Where?
Miss Skillon: I am hurt – grieved!!
Lionel: I am sorry, Miss Skillon. I’m afraid I cannot offer you sugar.
Miss Skillon: (again with the blasted tea?!) No tea, thank you. Mr. Toop, I would be grateful if you could give me your undivided attention for just five minutes!
Lionel: Five minutes. Why of course, Miss Skillon. Certainly. Five minutes.
Miss Skillon: It’s the church decorations for the Harvest Festival.
Lionel: What is?
Miss Skillon: (This man is clueless!) Mr. Toop, have you been dissatisfied with my contribution to the Church decorations in the past?
Lionel: No, no, I don’t think so. Why?
Miss Skillon: You will remember that I have always decorated the pulpit for the Easter and Harvest Festivals. It has always been understood that the pulpit was my special little effort. Everyone knows it! I have decorated the pulpit since … since …
Lionel: Since time immortal, I know!
Miss Skillon: (ice in her veins) Not quite as long as that, Mr. Toop.
Lionel: No, no, of course not, Miss Skillon. Do go on.
Miss Skillon: This afternoon I arrive at the church to do my little bit, and what do I find? The pulpit has already been decorated, behind my back!
Lionel: No! Who has dared to do such a thing?
Miss Skillon: No one would tell me, but I have my suspicions.
Audition Selection #2
[Clive has surprised Penelope by showing up at the vicarage. They spend a bit of time catching up and then Penelope suggests they go out for the evening.]
Penelope: We might go to a movie. Wait a minute! Could you bear to put your nose inside a theater, or would it break your heart?
Clive: A theater? What theater?
Penelope: We have a little theater group. (Searching through a newspaper) Here we are … “This week the Court Players present …” No! I can’t believe it!
Clive: I can. Six to four it’s “Sweeney Todd.”
Penelope: Listen! “This week the Court Players present Noel Coward’s delightful comedy, ‘Private Lives’”!!
Clive: (delighted with the prospect) No!
Penelope: Yes! Clive, just how many weeks did we tour “Private Lives” for the USO?
Clive: Forty-three, oh! And a half! There were those last three nights in Merthyr-Tydfil.
Penelope: Could you bear to see it tonight?
Clive: Bear to?! I’d love to! Though I’d probably be thrown out of the theater for shouting out the lines of my old part.
Penelope: Then we’ll go.
Clive: Wait a minute … where is this?
Penelope: Blatford. It’s only a few miles away and there’s a bus.
Clive: Sorry my dear, the trips off.
Penelope: What? Why?
Clive: Simply that if I was caught in Blatford in uniform, I should be shot at dawn and they’d cancel my next leave.
Penelope: It’s a shame! Just think … we could have run over there, had a meal, seen the show … had another meal and come back on the last bus.
Clive: Darling, you must be hungry.
[The scene continues. Penelope runs upstairs and Ida has entered the room. She is instantly smitten with Clive.]
Ida: I’m Ida.
Clive: I beg your pardon.
Ida: I’m Ida.
Clive. Oh. I’m so sorry.
Ida: No, I’m IDA!
Clive: Oh, yes! You’re Ida. Oh, I’m awfully glad about that.
Ida: Don’t mention it.
Clive: (Teasing her.) Do you know who I am?
Ida: (Maybe he is important!!) No …?
Clive: Eisenhower’s the name.
Ida: Go on, you’re pulling my leg.
Clive: As if I would.
Ida: Well, I think you’re heaven.
Clive: Oh, that’s beautiful! Ida, we must go to the pictures together some night.
Ida: Oh! But, I won’t have another night off til next Wednesday.
Clive: Never mind – Heaven can wait.
Audition Selection #3
[Lionel returns home after dark and finds Miss Skillon in a state.]
Lionel: (horrified) Good heavens, Miss Skillon! What has happened to you?
Miss Skillon: “I’m a better man than you are, Gunga Din.”
Lionel: (notices the liquor bottle) Empty – almost! Miss Skillon – do you feel, um, well enough to sit up?
Miss Skillon: Sit up? With who?
Lionel: Please! You must pull yourself together. How on earth did you get here – in this – condition?
Miss Skillon: My legs? What’s the matter with my legs?
Lionel: Your legs?
Miss Skillon: My legs. They lack co-ordination.
Lionel: Perhaps, if I (reaches towards her ankles) …
Miss Skillon: (giggling) Cave man! Why, it’s Mr. Toop!
Lionel: Yes. Do you feel better?
Miss Skillon: Better than what?
Lionel: Miss Skillon, you really must get a grip on yourself.
Miss Skillon: That woman! She struck me!
Lionel: What woman? Miss Skillon, what has happened here tonight?
Miss Skillon: (firmly) Nothing. (Flirty) It shall be our little secret.
Lionel: Inebriated! Hopelessly. (offering her some smelling salts) Smell!
Miss Skillon: Oh! California, here I come!
Ida: Well, don’t mind me!
Lionel: Ida! Come here! Miss Skillon is not well.
Ida: Why? What happened?
Lionel: I don’t know. I came in here just now and found Miss Skillon … found her … well, found her.
Ida: Oh yeah!
Lionel: Do you know how Miss Skillon came to be here?
Ida: (dramatically) I shall say what I have to say in the witness box.
Lionel: In the witness box? What on earth … ? Ida, please! Do you know where Mrs. Toop has gone?
Ida: Not a word I breathe. You can’t make me an accelerator before the fact.
Miss Skillon: Over and over! I saw it happening, before my very eyes.
Lionel: What did you see? Ida, has someone been here to see Mrs. Toop?
Ida: My lips are sealed.
Lionel: It’s no use. Ida, Miss Skillon will have to stay the night. She is not well.
Ida: She’s squiffy.
Audition Selection #4
[The Bishop has been in the house for only a few minutes, but has already been attacked by a lunatic and had a confusing conversation with Ida. Now, as he has been telling the story to his niece, she has fainted. He mistakes Clive for Lionel.]
Bishop: I tell you again, I have been attacked by a lunatic. He came in here, almost naked, brandishing a rod of iron. Penelope …? Merciful heavens! Are you dead? We need air – where is that half-witted maid? (sees Clive on the floor) What on earth?! What are you doing there?
Clive: Praying.
Bishop: Oh!
Clive: What are you doing with Penelope?
Bishop: She fainted.
Clive: Why?
Bishop: (testily) How the – how should I know? Does she often faint?
Clive: How the – how should I know?
Bishop: Well, really! Don’t supplicate there, man. Help me put her on the sofa. Carefully. Don’t joggle her. Now I’ll get some brandy.
Clive: I can’t understand this at all. She was perfectly all right when she left me a few minutes ago. It must have been the shock of seeing you.
Bishop: What?!
Clive: It caught me below the belt, I can tell you.
Bishop: (holding out the brandy) Here! You give it to her. It will be best if her eyes fall on you first when she comes around.
Clive: Why?
Bishop: It will give her confidence.
Clive: I doubt it. Come along, darling. Have a little dinkey-winkey. She’ll be all right in a moment. Come along, darling. (to the Bishop) I say, have you got a straw?
Bishop: (he can’t believe this) My dear Toop!
Clive: What did you say?
Bishop: What?
Clive: I said, “what did you say?”
Bishop: I – um – said nothing except, “My dear Toop!”
Clive: (groaning) ohhhhhh (he swallows the brandy)
Bishop: What have you done that for? You’re not going to faint, are you?
Clive: (miserable) No such luck.
Bishop: Now I shall have to get some more brandy.
Clive: Yes! Get some more!
Bishop: For Penelope!
Clive: Who? Oh, yes.
Bishop: (furious) Yes! Well, upon my word! Such callousness is astounding! It’s tantamount to slaughter.
Clive: (even more misery) Oh, it can’t amount to tantamount to slaughter.
Audition Selection #5
[Men have been chasing each other through the garden and through the house. Penelope is trying to keep up with everything, and Reverend Humphrey has just arrived unexpectedly. Miss Skillon is in the closet, still drunk.]
Humphrey: Mrs. Toop … you are Mrs. Toop, are you not?
Penelope: More or less.
Humphrey: Is something troubling you, Mrs. Toop?
Penelope: Not a thing. (offstage crashes) Not a thing.
Humphrey: But these, um, persons I saw running through the garden and dashing through the house …
Penelope: Oh! You mustn’t take any notice of that. That’s just the … um … Harvest Capers.
Humphrey: Harvest Capers?
Penelope: Yes, it’s a sort of game they play at harvest-time. Great fun! Would you care to join them?
Humphrey: No, thank you. No. I never caper.
Penelope: Pity. Do you sing?
Humphrey: (surprised) No, Mrs. Toop. I’m afraid I don’t sing. I recite a little at times, but I don’t sing.
Penelope: Will you recite to me now?
Humphrey: Now? Well, Mrs. Toop, what shall I recite?
Penelope: Do you know “There are Fairies at the Bottom of our Garden”?
Humphrey: No … I’ll do my best to recite “If” by Rudyard Kipling. “If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs …”
Miss Skillon: “ … and blaming it on you …”
Humphrey: (startled, but undaunted) “If you can trust yourself …”
Miss Skillon: “ … when all men doubt you.”
Humphrey: (he has had enough of this!) Mrs. Toop?! Why, she’s not here! (yelling offstage) Mrs. Toop?
(Miss Skillon falls out of the closet). Goodness gracious my dear lady! What has happened?
Miss Skillon: Where is he? Where is he?
Humphrey: Where is who, madam?
Miss Skillon: That man, that dreadful man.
Humphrey: Don’t you think you had better sit here for a moment?
Miss Skillon: No – I must get away from this house. This wicked house!
Humphrey: Wicked? But, madam, this is the Vicarage!
Miss Skillon: Vicarage or no Vicarage, I have been drugged.
Humphrey: Oh!
Miss Skillon: (Weeping) And the Harvest Festival tomorrow! Oh, what will the harvest be?
Humphrey: Bountiful, we hope. Dear lady, do sit down. Oh – you are sitting. Now tell me everything.
Miss Skillon: No, not everything.
Humphrey: Well, go as far as you can.
Ida: How did you get loose?
Humphrey: “Loose?”
Ida: Trying her tricks on you, is she sir? Don’t take no notice of her. She isn’t quite, well, you know (taps her head significantly).
Humphrey: (never considered this!) Oh! Oh! I – Good heavens!
Ida: Come on. Now, in you go …
Humphrey: Why do you put her in the closet?
Ida: She’s a bad case, sir. Has to have darkness and lots of it! She’s harmless, really, but “love-starved” if you know what I mean. The less I say the better. There’s things going on in this house that you wouldn’t understand.
Humphrey: I quite believe it!
Penelope: Thank you so much! That was beautiful.
Humphrey: What was?
Penelope: Your recitation. Now, how about “The Wreck of the Hesperus?”
Humphrey: She’s gone back in the closet.
Audition Selection #6
[Penelope is trying to keep it all together amid the various confusion and goings-on. A new character enters the scene. Penelope has no idea who he is.]
Penelope: Oh! Do come in!
Man: Listen! I am a desperate man!
Penelope: I’m not exactly carefree.
Man: Do you know who I am?
Penelope: My dear, I have been trying to place you all evening.
Man: Out there in the garden there are men – hunting for me.
Penelope: What? Oh no, you’re mistaken. It isn’t you they’re after. It’s …
Man: I tell you they are hunting in your garden for me.
Penelope: Well, they have a nice night for it.
(The Man has a gun) Put that thing away! It might be loaded.
Man: It is loaded. Now, be quiet. If you value your life you must help me. They are here! Sit down!
Penelope: Look here …
Man: I am your husband, understand?
Penelope: Oh no! I remember him!
Man: Your husband … or your life.
Clive: (Pretending to be a priest, offering comfort to … everyone) There, there my child.
Man: (to Penelope) If you betray me …
Penelope: (to Humphrey) Are you feeling better now?
Humphrey: I … I (to Clive) You say you are not Mr. Toop?
Clive: You’re not going to start that all over again.
Penelope: No, no – of course he isn’t Mr. Toop. (Referencing the man) This is Mr. Toop.
Clive: What??
Penelope: I said this is Mr. Toop, aren’t you darling?
Man: Yes.
Clive: Oh! Well I am glad to meet you darling … I mean … I say. You move pretty quickly, don’t you?
Man: Huh??
Clive: Not five minutes ago you were running around the garden in your underwear, and now here you are clothed and in your right mind – if one could be in this house.
Penelope: You’re like that, aren’t you darling?
Man: Like what?
Penelope: Dressed today and stripped tomorrow.
Audition Selection #7
[The constable/sergeant is not incompetent, but with so much confusion, he has grown weary. The Bishop has had quite a night and is over it.]
Bishop: There is no need to go round to the front door. There’s a window here.
Man: Who is that?
Penelope: My uncle.
Man: Your uncle?! Then he will know that I am not your husband. He will betray me, and I shall have to shoot you.
Penelope: I believe you’re just aching to shoot me. If you will keep quiet, I think I can manage to save my own skin.
Man: And mine!
Sergeant: Alright, alright. (To the Bishop) Nothing to get excited about.
Bishop: I am not excited! But I tell you that man of yours deliberately knocked me down on that marrow-bed.
Sergeant: He was only doing his duty for King and Country. He thought you were the bloke we are after, see? He thought you was the Russian spy.
Bishop: But I tell you …
Sergeant: (cheerfully) And, anyhow, how do I know you’re not? Eh? You ain’t proved it yet, have you pal?
Bishop: Pal?? Penelope, will you please tell this gentleman who I am?!!
Penelope: Of course. Sergeant, this is my uncle, the Bishop of Lax.
Sergeant: (impressed) A Bishop?! Sorry, your Bishopric, no offense.
Penelope: What happened to you, Uncle?
Sergeant: Well, you see, it’s this way … we’re looking for a Commie spy that’s escaped from the Guard House, see, so we had a scout round who comes across this old geyser here – no offense, sir – upside down in a gooseberry bush, see? His legs was sticking up and at first we thought he was a wheelbarrow.
Penelope: Well, I can assure you, Sergeant, my uncle is not the man you are looking for.
Sergeant: Oh, well, that’s that. I suppose you haven’t seen a stranger knocking about, ma’am?
Penelope: No, I’m afraid I haven’t.
Man: Get rid of them.
Penelope: Uncle, dear, why don’t you go to bed? You’ve had a very busy evening, you know. Sergeant, will you be round here long?
Sergeant: We’re bound to hang around until we find him, but don’t you worry.
Penelope: I’ll try not to.
Sergeant: Good night, all. What a lovely moon. Makes me feel all romantic.
Bishop: Are you married, Sergeant?
Sergeant: Why bring that up??
Audition Dates: July 16 and 17, 7:00, in the rehearsal hall (upstairs) at the Actors Guild … enter from Market Street
Director: Greg Merritt ([email protected])
Assistant Director: Terri Borrelli
Costumer: Reinnie Leavitt
Here is some information about the show …
“See How They Run” is a farce. It takes place in a rural village in England, around the time of the start of WW II.
Penelope has recently married Lionel, the vicar in the local church. Penelope is an American and an actress/singer who doesn’t quite fit into a small-town, pious lifestyle [although she is deeply in love with her husband]. Miss Skillon, a member of the church, is quick to point out Penelope’s faults and various faux pas.
Penelope and Lionel are expecting two houseguests. Her uncle, a respected bishop, is coming to observe Lionel at work. Reverend Humphrey, another vicar, is going to be a guest speaker at church.
On one particular afternoon, Lionel is called away to help with a community event. Penelope receives a surprise visitor, her old friend, Clive. Clive is a corporal in the US Army and is stationed at a nearby post. Penelope and Clive used to work together in a theatrical troupe and decide to see a play that evening. Miss Skillon becomes convinced that Penelope is stepping out on Lionel, and drowns her sorrows in cooking sherry. Clive knows he cannot be seen in uniform off-base, so he decides to wear one of Lionel’s suits (now we have two priests).
Of course, the Bishop and Reverend Humphrey both show up earlier than expected (now we have four priests). There is another complication: a Russian POW has escaped from the base and the local constable is hot on his trail. The Russian also disguises himself as a vicar (now we have five priests!). Ida, the maid, tries to make sense of it all, as she deal with her crush on Clive (who might be a soldier … or an actor … or a priest …??)
This play is hilarious with its many cases of mistaken identity, hiding in closets, running back and forth, and quick one-liners.
Character Descriptions …
Penelope – bubbly and fun; sometimes a bit snarky; must be able to sing loudly and off-key; married to Lionel; American accent
Ida – often confused, but sometimes more “in-the-know” than anyone else; many funny lines; British accent
Miss Skillon – pompous and superior; must be able to play “drunk;” British accent
Lionel – sincere and overwhelmed; truly loves his wife and his vocation; married to Penelope; British accent
The Bishop – serious but easily confused; a bit judgmental; Penelope’s uncle; British accent
Clive – charming and funny; dedicated to the US Army; Penelope’s old friend; American accent
Reverend Humphrey – good-natured and kind; a little slow on the uptake; British accent
The Constable – loud and in-charge; flustered; British accent
The POW – menacing; sick and tired of the British folks; Russian accent
There are suggested ages for the characters in the script, but each character can be ‘aged up’ or ‘aged down’ depending on the turn-out for auditions.
Performance Dates …
Friday, September 29 and Saturday, September 30
Sunday, October 1
Friday, October 6 and Saturday, October 7
Some notes …
There is a British movie version of this play. It was produced in 1955.
A more recent film, called “See How They Run,” came out a couple of years ago, but it is not based on this play.
Those who audition are not expected to have perfect accents. We will work on the accents as characters are developed. Do not let the accent deter you from auditioning.
There are many wonderful opportunities for participating at the Actors Guild of Parkersburg this coming season. Check out the website for information about shows.
Audition Selections …
Audition Selection #1
[Miss Skillon is not happy, and she just finished a rather unsatisfactory chat with Ida … so, she is in a mood!]
Lionel: Good afternoon Miss Skillon! I’m so sorry I wasn’t in to receive you. Penelope didn’t mention that you were coming to tea.
Miss Skillon: I have not come to tea, Mr. Toop. I wanted to see you.
Lionel: Oh! Oh, yes, certainly. But tea is here, so won’t you join us? Do sit down. (yelling upstairs) Penelope?? Penelope?? (back to Miss Skillon) No use! When Penelope begins her exercises, she’s lost to the world. Never mind. We’ll begin, shall we?
Miss Skillon: (solemnly) Mr. Toop, I am hurt.
Lionel: Oh dear! Where?
Miss Skillon: I am hurt – grieved!!
Lionel: I am sorry, Miss Skillon. I’m afraid I cannot offer you sugar.
Miss Skillon: (again with the blasted tea?!) No tea, thank you. Mr. Toop, I would be grateful if you could give me your undivided attention for just five minutes!
Lionel: Five minutes. Why of course, Miss Skillon. Certainly. Five minutes.
Miss Skillon: It’s the church decorations for the Harvest Festival.
Lionel: What is?
Miss Skillon: (This man is clueless!) Mr. Toop, have you been dissatisfied with my contribution to the Church decorations in the past?
Lionel: No, no, I don’t think so. Why?
Miss Skillon: You will remember that I have always decorated the pulpit for the Easter and Harvest Festivals. It has always been understood that the pulpit was my special little effort. Everyone knows it! I have decorated the pulpit since … since …
Lionel: Since time immortal, I know!
Miss Skillon: (ice in her veins) Not quite as long as that, Mr. Toop.
Lionel: No, no, of course not, Miss Skillon. Do go on.
Miss Skillon: This afternoon I arrive at the church to do my little bit, and what do I find? The pulpit has already been decorated, behind my back!
Lionel: No! Who has dared to do such a thing?
Miss Skillon: No one would tell me, but I have my suspicions.
Audition Selection #2
[Clive has surprised Penelope by showing up at the vicarage. They spend a bit of time catching up and then Penelope suggests they go out for the evening.]
Penelope: We might go to a movie. Wait a minute! Could you bear to put your nose inside a theater, or would it break your heart?
Clive: A theater? What theater?
Penelope: We have a little theater group. (Searching through a newspaper) Here we are … “This week the Court Players present …” No! I can’t believe it!
Clive: I can. Six to four it’s “Sweeney Todd.”
Penelope: Listen! “This week the Court Players present Noel Coward’s delightful comedy, ‘Private Lives’”!!
Clive: (delighted with the prospect) No!
Penelope: Yes! Clive, just how many weeks did we tour “Private Lives” for the USO?
Clive: Forty-three, oh! And a half! There were those last three nights in Merthyr-Tydfil.
Penelope: Could you bear to see it tonight?
Clive: Bear to?! I’d love to! Though I’d probably be thrown out of the theater for shouting out the lines of my old part.
Penelope: Then we’ll go.
Clive: Wait a minute … where is this?
Penelope: Blatford. It’s only a few miles away and there’s a bus.
Clive: Sorry my dear, the trips off.
Penelope: What? Why?
Clive: Simply that if I was caught in Blatford in uniform, I should be shot at dawn and they’d cancel my next leave.
Penelope: It’s a shame! Just think … we could have run over there, had a meal, seen the show … had another meal and come back on the last bus.
Clive: Darling, you must be hungry.
[The scene continues. Penelope runs upstairs and Ida has entered the room. She is instantly smitten with Clive.]
Ida: I’m Ida.
Clive: I beg your pardon.
Ida: I’m Ida.
Clive. Oh. I’m so sorry.
Ida: No, I’m IDA!
Clive: Oh, yes! You’re Ida. Oh, I’m awfully glad about that.
Ida: Don’t mention it.
Clive: (Teasing her.) Do you know who I am?
Ida: (Maybe he is important!!) No …?
Clive: Eisenhower’s the name.
Ida: Go on, you’re pulling my leg.
Clive: As if I would.
Ida: Well, I think you’re heaven.
Clive: Oh, that’s beautiful! Ida, we must go to the pictures together some night.
Ida: Oh! But, I won’t have another night off til next Wednesday.
Clive: Never mind – Heaven can wait.
Audition Selection #3
[Lionel returns home after dark and finds Miss Skillon in a state.]
Lionel: (horrified) Good heavens, Miss Skillon! What has happened to you?
Miss Skillon: “I’m a better man than you are, Gunga Din.”
Lionel: (notices the liquor bottle) Empty – almost! Miss Skillon – do you feel, um, well enough to sit up?
Miss Skillon: Sit up? With who?
Lionel: Please! You must pull yourself together. How on earth did you get here – in this – condition?
Miss Skillon: My legs? What’s the matter with my legs?
Lionel: Your legs?
Miss Skillon: My legs. They lack co-ordination.
Lionel: Perhaps, if I (reaches towards her ankles) …
Miss Skillon: (giggling) Cave man! Why, it’s Mr. Toop!
Lionel: Yes. Do you feel better?
Miss Skillon: Better than what?
Lionel: Miss Skillon, you really must get a grip on yourself.
Miss Skillon: That woman! She struck me!
Lionel: What woman? Miss Skillon, what has happened here tonight?
Miss Skillon: (firmly) Nothing. (Flirty) It shall be our little secret.
Lionel: Inebriated! Hopelessly. (offering her some smelling salts) Smell!
Miss Skillon: Oh! California, here I come!
Ida: Well, don’t mind me!
Lionel: Ida! Come here! Miss Skillon is not well.
Ida: Why? What happened?
Lionel: I don’t know. I came in here just now and found Miss Skillon … found her … well, found her.
Ida: Oh yeah!
Lionel: Do you know how Miss Skillon came to be here?
Ida: (dramatically) I shall say what I have to say in the witness box.
Lionel: In the witness box? What on earth … ? Ida, please! Do you know where Mrs. Toop has gone?
Ida: Not a word I breathe. You can’t make me an accelerator before the fact.
Miss Skillon: Over and over! I saw it happening, before my very eyes.
Lionel: What did you see? Ida, has someone been here to see Mrs. Toop?
Ida: My lips are sealed.
Lionel: It’s no use. Ida, Miss Skillon will have to stay the night. She is not well.
Ida: She’s squiffy.
Audition Selection #4
[The Bishop has been in the house for only a few minutes, but has already been attacked by a lunatic and had a confusing conversation with Ida. Now, as he has been telling the story to his niece, she has fainted. He mistakes Clive for Lionel.]
Bishop: I tell you again, I have been attacked by a lunatic. He came in here, almost naked, brandishing a rod of iron. Penelope …? Merciful heavens! Are you dead? We need air – where is that half-witted maid? (sees Clive on the floor) What on earth?! What are you doing there?
Clive: Praying.
Bishop: Oh!
Clive: What are you doing with Penelope?
Bishop: She fainted.
Clive: Why?
Bishop: (testily) How the – how should I know? Does she often faint?
Clive: How the – how should I know?
Bishop: Well, really! Don’t supplicate there, man. Help me put her on the sofa. Carefully. Don’t joggle her. Now I’ll get some brandy.
Clive: I can’t understand this at all. She was perfectly all right when she left me a few minutes ago. It must have been the shock of seeing you.
Bishop: What?!
Clive: It caught me below the belt, I can tell you.
Bishop: (holding out the brandy) Here! You give it to her. It will be best if her eyes fall on you first when she comes around.
Clive: Why?
Bishop: It will give her confidence.
Clive: I doubt it. Come along, darling. Have a little dinkey-winkey. She’ll be all right in a moment. Come along, darling. (to the Bishop) I say, have you got a straw?
Bishop: (he can’t believe this) My dear Toop!
Clive: What did you say?
Bishop: What?
Clive: I said, “what did you say?”
Bishop: I – um – said nothing except, “My dear Toop!”
Clive: (groaning) ohhhhhh (he swallows the brandy)
Bishop: What have you done that for? You’re not going to faint, are you?
Clive: (miserable) No such luck.
Bishop: Now I shall have to get some more brandy.
Clive: Yes! Get some more!
Bishop: For Penelope!
Clive: Who? Oh, yes.
Bishop: (furious) Yes! Well, upon my word! Such callousness is astounding! It’s tantamount to slaughter.
Clive: (even more misery) Oh, it can’t amount to tantamount to slaughter.
Audition Selection #5
[Men have been chasing each other through the garden and through the house. Penelope is trying to keep up with everything, and Reverend Humphrey has just arrived unexpectedly. Miss Skillon is in the closet, still drunk.]
Humphrey: Mrs. Toop … you are Mrs. Toop, are you not?
Penelope: More or less.
Humphrey: Is something troubling you, Mrs. Toop?
Penelope: Not a thing. (offstage crashes) Not a thing.
Humphrey: But these, um, persons I saw running through the garden and dashing through the house …
Penelope: Oh! You mustn’t take any notice of that. That’s just the … um … Harvest Capers.
Humphrey: Harvest Capers?
Penelope: Yes, it’s a sort of game they play at harvest-time. Great fun! Would you care to join them?
Humphrey: No, thank you. No. I never caper.
Penelope: Pity. Do you sing?
Humphrey: (surprised) No, Mrs. Toop. I’m afraid I don’t sing. I recite a little at times, but I don’t sing.
Penelope: Will you recite to me now?
Humphrey: Now? Well, Mrs. Toop, what shall I recite?
Penelope: Do you know “There are Fairies at the Bottom of our Garden”?
Humphrey: No … I’ll do my best to recite “If” by Rudyard Kipling. “If you can keep your head when all about are losing theirs …”
Miss Skillon: “ … and blaming it on you …”
Humphrey: (startled, but undaunted) “If you can trust yourself …”
Miss Skillon: “ … when all men doubt you.”
Humphrey: (he has had enough of this!) Mrs. Toop?! Why, she’s not here! (yelling offstage) Mrs. Toop?
(Miss Skillon falls out of the closet). Goodness gracious my dear lady! What has happened?
Miss Skillon: Where is he? Where is he?
Humphrey: Where is who, madam?
Miss Skillon: That man, that dreadful man.
Humphrey: Don’t you think you had better sit here for a moment?
Miss Skillon: No – I must get away from this house. This wicked house!
Humphrey: Wicked? But, madam, this is the Vicarage!
Miss Skillon: Vicarage or no Vicarage, I have been drugged.
Humphrey: Oh!
Miss Skillon: (Weeping) And the Harvest Festival tomorrow! Oh, what will the harvest be?
Humphrey: Bountiful, we hope. Dear lady, do sit down. Oh – you are sitting. Now tell me everything.
Miss Skillon: No, not everything.
Humphrey: Well, go as far as you can.
Ida: How did you get loose?
Humphrey: “Loose?”
Ida: Trying her tricks on you, is she sir? Don’t take no notice of her. She isn’t quite, well, you know (taps her head significantly).
Humphrey: (never considered this!) Oh! Oh! I – Good heavens!
Ida: Come on. Now, in you go …
Humphrey: Why do you put her in the closet?
Ida: She’s a bad case, sir. Has to have darkness and lots of it! She’s harmless, really, but “love-starved” if you know what I mean. The less I say the better. There’s things going on in this house that you wouldn’t understand.
Humphrey: I quite believe it!
Penelope: Thank you so much! That was beautiful.
Humphrey: What was?
Penelope: Your recitation. Now, how about “The Wreck of the Hesperus?”
Humphrey: She’s gone back in the closet.
Audition Selection #6
[Penelope is trying to keep it all together amid the various confusion and goings-on. A new character enters the scene. Penelope has no idea who he is.]
Penelope: Oh! Do come in!
Man: Listen! I am a desperate man!
Penelope: I’m not exactly carefree.
Man: Do you know who I am?
Penelope: My dear, I have been trying to place you all evening.
Man: Out there in the garden there are men – hunting for me.
Penelope: What? Oh no, you’re mistaken. It isn’t you they’re after. It’s …
Man: I tell you they are hunting in your garden for me.
Penelope: Well, they have a nice night for it.
(The Man has a gun) Put that thing away! It might be loaded.
Man: It is loaded. Now, be quiet. If you value your life you must help me. They are here! Sit down!
Penelope: Look here …
Man: I am your husband, understand?
Penelope: Oh no! I remember him!
Man: Your husband … or your life.
Clive: (Pretending to be a priest, offering comfort to … everyone) There, there my child.
Man: (to Penelope) If you betray me …
Penelope: (to Humphrey) Are you feeling better now?
Humphrey: I … I (to Clive) You say you are not Mr. Toop?
Clive: You’re not going to start that all over again.
Penelope: No, no – of course he isn’t Mr. Toop. (Referencing the man) This is Mr. Toop.
Clive: What??
Penelope: I said this is Mr. Toop, aren’t you darling?
Man: Yes.
Clive: Oh! Well I am glad to meet you darling … I mean … I say. You move pretty quickly, don’t you?
Man: Huh??
Clive: Not five minutes ago you were running around the garden in your underwear, and now here you are clothed and in your right mind – if one could be in this house.
Penelope: You’re like that, aren’t you darling?
Man: Like what?
Penelope: Dressed today and stripped tomorrow.
Audition Selection #7
[The constable/sergeant is not incompetent, but with so much confusion, he has grown weary. The Bishop has had quite a night and is over it.]
Bishop: There is no need to go round to the front door. There’s a window here.
Man: Who is that?
Penelope: My uncle.
Man: Your uncle?! Then he will know that I am not your husband. He will betray me, and I shall have to shoot you.
Penelope: I believe you’re just aching to shoot me. If you will keep quiet, I think I can manage to save my own skin.
Man: And mine!
Sergeant: Alright, alright. (To the Bishop) Nothing to get excited about.
Bishop: I am not excited! But I tell you that man of yours deliberately knocked me down on that marrow-bed.
Sergeant: He was only doing his duty for King and Country. He thought you were the bloke we are after, see? He thought you was the Russian spy.
Bishop: But I tell you …
Sergeant: (cheerfully) And, anyhow, how do I know you’re not? Eh? You ain’t proved it yet, have you pal?
Bishop: Pal?? Penelope, will you please tell this gentleman who I am?!!
Penelope: Of course. Sergeant, this is my uncle, the Bishop of Lax.
Sergeant: (impressed) A Bishop?! Sorry, your Bishopric, no offense.
Penelope: What happened to you, Uncle?
Sergeant: Well, you see, it’s this way … we’re looking for a Commie spy that’s escaped from the Guard House, see, so we had a scout round who comes across this old geyser here – no offense, sir – upside down in a gooseberry bush, see? His legs was sticking up and at first we thought he was a wheelbarrow.
Penelope: Well, I can assure you, Sergeant, my uncle is not the man you are looking for.
Sergeant: Oh, well, that’s that. I suppose you haven’t seen a stranger knocking about, ma’am?
Penelope: No, I’m afraid I haven’t.
Man: Get rid of them.
Penelope: Uncle, dear, why don’t you go to bed? You’ve had a very busy evening, you know. Sergeant, will you be round here long?
Sergeant: We’re bound to hang around until we find him, but don’t you worry.
Penelope: I’ll try not to.
Sergeant: Good night, all. What a lovely moon. Makes me feel all romantic.
Bishop: Are you married, Sergeant?
Sergeant: Why bring that up??