Lend Me a Soprano
AUDITION INFORMATION
Auditions: March 30, 31
Show Dates:
Friday, June 13 @8pm
Saturday, June 14 @8pm
Sunday, June 15 @2:30pm
Friday, June 20 @8pm
Saturday, June 21 @8pm
Sunday, June 22 @2:30
“Lend Me a Soprano”
Author: Ken Ludwig
Publisher: Samuel French
The Actors Guild of Parkersburg will present “Lend Me a Soprano” on two weekends in June: performances on the 13th, 14th, and 15th, and then on the 20th, 21st, and 22nd.
Auditions will be held on the Rehearsal Hall on March 30 and 31 at 7:00 P.M.
Directing Staff -
Director: Greg Merritt [email protected]
Assistant Director: Danny Bayer
Technical Director: Nathan Arnold
Production Assistant and Stage Manager: Terri Borrelli
Costumer: Reinnie Leavitt
Setting: 1934 in a fine hotel suite in Cleveland, OH
Plot Summary: Lucille Wylie, the manager of the Cleveland Grand Opera Company, is eagerly and excitedly welcoming world-class soprano, Elena Firenzi, for a one-night starring role in “Carmen.” As is the case in a farce, many unexpected and comical events occur that lead to madcap adventures. Elena is not especially engaged in her commitment; Elena’s jealous and passionate husband distracts her; Mrs. Wylie’s son, Jerry, is not particularly helpful but is especially passionate; Leo, a womanizing member of the opera company, is overly-ahem-excited about working with Elena; Julia and the bellhop add to the silliness as they both love opera but neither seem to have a handle on things; poor Jo, the mousy assistant, is called upon to save the day; and everyone gets confused at one time or other about who’s who and what’s what.
List of Characters: (note – the age range for these characters is a suggestion)
Mrs. Wylie – the general manager of the Cleveland Grand Opera Company; age 50-70
Jerry Wyile – her son; age 20-35
Jo – her assistant; age 20-35
Julia – her friend and chair of the Opera Guild; age 50-70
The Bellhop – a hotel employee (may be assumed by an actor of any gender); age 20-40
Elena Firenzi – a world-famous soprano; age 30-50
Pasquale – Elena’s husband; age 30-50
Leo – a tenor with the Cleveland Grand Opera Company; age 30-55
Accents –
Elena and Pasquale will speak with an Italian accent.
Jo adopts an Italian accent at one point.
Leo will speak with a Dutch accent.
Requirements –
Elena and Jo will sing and their voices must sound operatic.
Both Jerry and Leo appear on stage scantily-clad, briefly.
Audition Selections –
Selection 1
[Jo, an efficient but insecure young woman, is franticly-concerned that Elena did not arrive on the train and will be late for rehearsal. She is worried about telling her boss, Mrs. Wyile. Jerry, is rather easy-going and much less-concerned.]
Jo: She’s gonna kill me.
Jerry: Oh come on, Jo. It’s not your fault!
Jo: Jerry, our star is two hours late. The rehearsal starts in ten minutes.
Jerry: She’ll be her, Jo. It’s Elena Firenzi. She’s a genius! They just don’t think like other people.
Jo: So what are you saying? She’s a grown worman. She can’t tell time?!
Jerry: Hey, I’m just not worried, okay? And my God, just think of it … tonight, the curtain rises, the spotlight hits her, and there’s nothing else in the world but that voice.
Jo: … I can sing, too.
Jerry: Aw, Jo.
Jo: I can! I can do it! I take voice lessons, and projection, and fencing! I’m good at fencing –
Jerry: I know you are.
Jo: And I could be great. It just takes time.
Jerry: But Elena’s a star, Jo. She sings all over the world. She was on the cover of “Life” magazine!
Jo: So was Joseph Stalin.
Jerry: Look, all I’m saying is she’s a great artist and she wouldn’t just not show up. She’s very sensitive.
Jo: How do you know?
Jerry: (caught) Because I met her. Last year. It was no big deal. When I was in Italy, I went to La Scala and she was in “Tosca,” then afterwards I went backstage and … well, there she was, all by herself, behind the curtain. She was wearing this sort of … negligee … and her whole body was glistening with sweat. (now nervous) Anyway, she looked up and saw me and do you know what she did, Jo? She took my hand, put it to her cheek, and just … held it there.
Jo: What for?
Jerry: It was a gesture of art. And humanity. A sort-of universal show of fellowship.
Jo: She wanted sex, you idiot.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
Jo: She’s known for it! She likes men in their twenties, all young and succulent. She’s like a vampire.
Jerry: I thought she was married.
Jo: She is, but you know the Italians. They try the spaghetti, then they try the linguini.
Selection 2
[Elena has finally arrived and Mrs. Wylie is close to a breakdown, but holding it together. Jerry is hiding in the bathroom of the hotel suite.]
Mrs. Wylie: I’ll make the introductions, shall I? This is Elena’s husband, Pasquale, whom we did not expect, but could not possibly be more pleased to have with us. And this is his wife, the incomparable Elena Firenzi, who needs no introduction, yet I seem to be making one anyway. My assistant, Jo.
Pasquale: John.
Elena: John.
Jo: Uh, Jo.
Elena: John!
Jo: (shrugging) She can call me John if she wants.
Pasquale: My wife would like, uh, the john. She throw up.
Mrs. Wylie: Oh, the john! Yes, of course, right this way.
Elena: Grazie.
Jo: The john. We misunderstood, you see, usually we say the STOP! There’s, there’s one in the lobby. It’s much prettier. Cleaner.
Mrs. Wylie: Are you all right, Jo?
Jo: Me? Fine. I just … they’ve got this lovely ladies’ room in the lobby. It has doilies.
Mrs. Wylie: I’m sure this one is swell, Jo.
Jo: No. No, it isn’t! Trust me.
Elena: John!
Mrs. Wylie: Right this way, my dear.
Pasquale: Forgive a-my wife. She’s a-stupid!
Elena: SHUT UP!
Pasquale: SHUT UP A-YOUSELF! (to Jo) She eats a-like a child, eh? We have food on the train. American food, it’s all a-greasy. And she eats a-too much. A hamboorger, a hot dog … I tell her to stop, it make you a-sick, she say ‘mind a-you business.’ So the waiter come by, Mr. Hot a-Stuff with his tight a-pants and he gives her the eyeball and he say ‘you wanna my French Fry, heh heh heh?’ and she say ‘sure, I like a-you French Fry, heh heh heh, and how’s a-you tater tot?’ and now she throws up!
((a knock is heard))
Mrs. Wylie: (to Elena) Excuse me.
Bellhop: Luggage for Miss Firenzi! (loudly sings a scale)
Mrs. Wylie: Shut up!
Bellhop: Where is she? I need to meet her!
Mrs. Wylie: You are not meeting her. Luggage in the bedroom, thank you.
Bellhop: Yes, ma’am.
Mrs. Wylie (to Pasquale): I’m awfully sorry about that. You’d think that people would have better manners.
Pasquale: Hey, it’s okay. Is no big deal. It happens a-ten times a day. Phone rings, I pick it up, I get “La Boheme.” I go to the barber, he cut a-my hair, he sing me “Aida.”
Selection 3
[Jo is alone in the suite with Elena, who is still quite sick.]
Elena: You stay here?
Jo: Yes. I-I-I mean if you don’t mind.
Elena: Sure. Help a-youself. (She belches). Scusi. That a-the tater tot.
Jo: You really are sick, aren’t’ you?
Elena: Is okay. I’m gonna live. In my village, they gotta saying “nobody ever dies from a-gas.” And believe me, they know.
Jo: But maybe you should take those pills. I mean, they might help.
Elena: Thanks, a-no. I need sleep, not a-pills. I gotta relax. Take a deep breath. Is not so easy, eh?
Elena: Why not?
Elena: Why not. Today it’s a-Cleveland. Monday New York. Rushing every place, I live in hotels. If I ever have babies, they’ll be delivered by room service.
Jo: I’m sorry.
Elena: When I’m a-tense, I feel a-sick, then I can’t sing nothing.
Jo: Nothing?
Elena: Singing is like a-life, eh? You gotta relax, take it easy. You get a-tense, you finished.
Jo: I know what you mean. I-I sing myself, a little.
Elena: You?
Jo: Yeah. I-I-I mean, not like you. I wish I could.
Elena: Hey, done knock youself down. Is no good. To sing, you need a-confidence. You gotta say ‘I’m a-the best. I’m a Jo. I sing good.’
Jo: I’m a-the best. I’m a-Jo. I sing good. But the trouble is, whenever I sing in front of people, I get tense. I tighten up. I can’t help it.
Elena: That’s it, eh? That’s a-me, now. My doctor, he say take a-pills. Phenobarbital. It makes a-you sleep. But I’m a Firenzi! I done take a-pills!
Selection 4
[Leo has been looking for Jo and he wonders why Elena did not attend rehearsal. He is a lady-killer.]
Jo: How was rehearsal?
Leo: Not zo good. Imagine me, the Flying Dutchman, playing Don Jose in “Carmen,” und there was no Elena! Und believe me, it was not zo romantic zinging der duets mitt der stagehand.
Jo: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. She’ll be there tonight, though, I promise.
Leo: Und it vill vork zo much better dat vay.
Jo: Uh, Leo, is there anything I can do for you?
Leo: Not really. I am ztopping by to give Mizz Firenzi a good Dutch velcome, instead of meeting her on der stage tonight for der very first time.
Jo: Gee, that’s … nice of you, but the thing is, she’s uh, she’s sleeping right now. She’s taking a nap.
Leo: Do you know what she could do for me, Jo? Yoost a zingle call from Mizz Firenzi to New York Zity and bing bang boom, I vould be at der Metropolitan Opera in less than two – t’ree days.
Jo: Well, yeah, that’s …
Leo: Four days tops! Five days max if there’s traffic on the Triborough Bridge. Zo therefore, Jo, it is zo important to me dat she gets to know me both as a zinger and as a human being. I am voice and body. Are you zeeing this, Jo?
Jo: Yeah, I am. I really am. Except right now, the thing is to just get here there.
Leo: (maybe this tactic will work) You are a very good-looking woman, Joj. Haz anyone told you dat before?
Jo: Sure, my – my mother and my Aunt Harriet.
Leo: Anyone zingle?
Jo: My cousin Ralphie. He’s technically single. He’s five.
Leo: You’re not going to let me zee her now, are you, Jo?
Jo: Later, I promise.
Leo: Zee you later, Jo.
Selection 5
[Mrs. Wylie and Jo have concocted a plan, but they need the hotel suite to be empty so they can keep working. Julia, who is simultaneously pretentious and clueless, enters.]
Julia: How do I look? The truth!
Mrs. Wylie: Like the Chrysler Building.
Julia: I knew you’d like it. It’s from Paris. Haute couture. I feel like one of those fancy French tarts.
Mrs. Wyle: Julia, for God’s sake …
Julia: Now don’t be cross, Lucy. I couldn’t bear waiting backstage anymore. I thought I might cheer up Elena! Suddenly before she knows she’ll feel vital again! Totally alive!
Mrs. Wylie: No, I don’t think so.
Julia: You know what this reminds me of? That opera, the one with the snow falling and everybody’s hungry all the time.
Mrs. Wylile: Julia! Please … just listen! I want you to go to the theater- now!
Julia: But that’s silly. I’m here already.
Mrs. Wylie: But you won’t be soon. You’ll be at the theater.
Julia: Not if I’m here. I can’t be in two places.
Mrs. Wylie: You won’t be in two places. You won’t be here.
Julia: Why not?
Mrs. Wylie: Because you’ll be there!! ((a knock at the door)) Now what?
Julia: I think it’s the door.
Mrs. Wylie: Who is it?!?!
Bellhop: Room service. Coffee for two.
Mrs. Wylie: We didn’t order any coffee.
Bellhop: You did so! Ask Jo!
Mrs. Wylie: Well, it’s cancelled.
Julia: Oh stop it, Lucy. You can’t let her stand there!
Bellhop: Thank you, madam. You’re very kind. That’s one out of two.
Mrs. Wylie: On the table please, and then get out! Julia, you too!
Julia: I wonder what’s keeping Miss Ferenzi?
Bellhop: Is she getting dressed? Perhaps she needs some help with her zippers. You know these opera stars, they’re helpless.
Mrs. Wylie: Take one step into that room and I will kill you.
Bellhop: Fair enough. I’ll wait out here.
Mrs. Wylie: You’re not waiting any place. You’re getting out!
Selection 6
[Leo and Jerry both think they have just experienced a passionate encounter with Elena, but Jo was pretending to be Elena so her experience was actually with Jerry.]
Jerry: (to Leo) What are you doing here?
Leo: I am asking myself der same of you.
Jerry: This happens to be a private party.
Leo: Ya! I agree! Zo please go get yourself lost.
Jerry: Elena, tell him to leave!
Jo: (to Leo, with an Italian accent ) A-leave!
Leo: No, tell him dat, you gorgeous t’ing!
Jerry: Elena, what is he doing here?
Jo: I …
Jerry: (to Leo) How long have you been here.
Leo: Half hour, tops.
Jerry: That’s impossible. I’ve been here a half hour.
Leo: Ja. I know. I vas here vhen you arrived. She said she vas getting rid of you as qvick as de possum.
Jerry: Elena, did you know he was in there?
Jo: I –
Jerry: You did!!
Jo: It’s a-not what you think, eh?
Jerry: How could you do this? After what you’ve said to me!!
Leo: She could not help herself. I used her oil.
Jerry: (to Jo) You temptress.
Leo: (to Jo) You znake in der meadow. (to Jerry) You are vaisting your time. She is love ‘em and leave ‘em. You do as your please, I am putting on clothings.
Jerry: I wouldn’t have believed it was possible. She seemed so lovely.
Leo: She iss lovely but tricky. You have got to hand it to her.
Jerry: I did. That’s the problem. ((Pasquale enters.))
Pasquale: One a-more chance, eh? One a-more chance and that’s it.
Leo: Oh mein Gott, she has got an udder vone!
Pasquale: Who are you?
Leo: A friend of der family. Who are you?
Pasquale: The family.
Leo: Elena’s husband?
Pasquale: That’s a-right. I’m gonna keel ‘er. I’m gonna keel her. I swear before God, on everything that’s a-holy, I’m gonna strangle her.
Leo: Zounds like a husband.
Selection 7
[It all comes to a head as characters converge in the suite, with some still not realizing Jo has been impersonating Elena and the real Elena has been pursued by the police. Jo is hiding in the other room.]
Mrs. Wylie: What are you two doing here?
Leo: Ve are passing by, zo we are shtopping in.
Jerry: To get her autograph.
Bellhop: Did you get it??!!
Jerry: We sure did.
Pasquale: (to Elena) They told a-me you were locked in the bathroom. They make a-me think you were fooling around!
Elena: Pasquale?? Me?
Jerry: It wasn’t her. But it was someone who looked like her.
Julia; It’s the lunatic! It must be!
Pasquale: Luna-what?
Julia: Lunatic! A madwoman! She’s running around the city pretending she’s your wife, and apparently, she’s violent. She actually hit a policeman!
Elena: No!
Julia: Yes! We should call the police. She could be dangerous!
Mrs. Wylie: Oh, I doubt that very much.
Bellhop: Let’s see who it is!
Mrs. Wylie: Stay out of this!
Pasquale: She’s a right, eh? I wanna see this a-lunatic. Pasquale wants to see her! Hello? Who’s in there? Come outta there! You hear me?
Bellhop: This is the police! Come out with your hands up!
Pasquale: I’m gonna give you three numbers … one … two …
Jo: Did I miss something?
Bellhop: It’s Jo!
Mrs. Wylie: Jo! What a surprise!
Jo: Elena, you look great!
Elena: Jo! My friend! They drive me a-crazy. You done know. Pasquale, please, take me a-home. We start again and make a happy marriage. Jo, thanks for everything.
Jo: Take care of yourself.
Leo: Lucy, is dat party of yours downstairs still voopin’?
Mrs. Wylie: I think so.
Leo: Good. Ve dance, ve nibble, who knows what happens. And den I take you to a supper club.
Mrs. Wylie: Dutch treat?
Leo: Ja. Dat’s vhat dey call me.
Selection 8
[Mrs. Wylie is confronting Jo, but it’s not really Jo – it’s Elena, who is very confused.]
Mrs. Wylie: What are you doing in here?
Elena: Nothing.
Mrs. Wylie: You haven’t changed yet.
Elena: Change?
Mrs. Wylie: I told you to change! For heaven’s sake, you’ll ruin everything.
Elena: I’m a-sorry, eh?
Mrs. Wylie: Look, I know you think this is great fun. But it’s not the time to horse around! Just imagine what would happen if anybody found out. My blood runs cold when I even - - is there a man in there??
Elena: Yeah.
Mrs. Wylie: Are you out of your mind??!
Elena: I’m not so sure.
Mrs. Wylie: Where is he?
Elena: The bathroom.
Mrs. Wylie: The bathroom? Are you crazy!! What about the body?
Elena: The closet.
Mrs. Wylie: The closet?! You stuffed the body in the closet?
Elena: It’s a big closet.
Mrs. Wylie: I want you to get rid of that man –
Elena: Which one?
Mrs. Wylie: … there’s more than one?
Elena: Two.
Mrs. Wylie: You’ve got two men in there? I know you had potential, but this is incredible.
Show Dates:
Friday, June 13 @8pm
Saturday, June 14 @8pm
Sunday, June 15 @2:30pm
Friday, June 20 @8pm
Saturday, June 21 @8pm
Sunday, June 22 @2:30
“Lend Me a Soprano”
Author: Ken Ludwig
Publisher: Samuel French
The Actors Guild of Parkersburg will present “Lend Me a Soprano” on two weekends in June: performances on the 13th, 14th, and 15th, and then on the 20th, 21st, and 22nd.
Auditions will be held on the Rehearsal Hall on March 30 and 31 at 7:00 P.M.
Directing Staff -
Director: Greg Merritt [email protected]
Assistant Director: Danny Bayer
Technical Director: Nathan Arnold
Production Assistant and Stage Manager: Terri Borrelli
Costumer: Reinnie Leavitt
Setting: 1934 in a fine hotel suite in Cleveland, OH
Plot Summary: Lucille Wylie, the manager of the Cleveland Grand Opera Company, is eagerly and excitedly welcoming world-class soprano, Elena Firenzi, for a one-night starring role in “Carmen.” As is the case in a farce, many unexpected and comical events occur that lead to madcap adventures. Elena is not especially engaged in her commitment; Elena’s jealous and passionate husband distracts her; Mrs. Wylie’s son, Jerry, is not particularly helpful but is especially passionate; Leo, a womanizing member of the opera company, is overly-ahem-excited about working with Elena; Julia and the bellhop add to the silliness as they both love opera but neither seem to have a handle on things; poor Jo, the mousy assistant, is called upon to save the day; and everyone gets confused at one time or other about who’s who and what’s what.
List of Characters: (note – the age range for these characters is a suggestion)
Mrs. Wylie – the general manager of the Cleveland Grand Opera Company; age 50-70
Jerry Wyile – her son; age 20-35
Jo – her assistant; age 20-35
Julia – her friend and chair of the Opera Guild; age 50-70
The Bellhop – a hotel employee (may be assumed by an actor of any gender); age 20-40
Elena Firenzi – a world-famous soprano; age 30-50
Pasquale – Elena’s husband; age 30-50
Leo – a tenor with the Cleveland Grand Opera Company; age 30-55
Accents –
Elena and Pasquale will speak with an Italian accent.
Jo adopts an Italian accent at one point.
Leo will speak with a Dutch accent.
Requirements –
Elena and Jo will sing and their voices must sound operatic.
Both Jerry and Leo appear on stage scantily-clad, briefly.
Audition Selections –
Selection 1
[Jo, an efficient but insecure young woman, is franticly-concerned that Elena did not arrive on the train and will be late for rehearsal. She is worried about telling her boss, Mrs. Wyile. Jerry, is rather easy-going and much less-concerned.]
Jo: She’s gonna kill me.
Jerry: Oh come on, Jo. It’s not your fault!
Jo: Jerry, our star is two hours late. The rehearsal starts in ten minutes.
Jerry: She’ll be her, Jo. It’s Elena Firenzi. She’s a genius! They just don’t think like other people.
Jo: So what are you saying? She’s a grown worman. She can’t tell time?!
Jerry: Hey, I’m just not worried, okay? And my God, just think of it … tonight, the curtain rises, the spotlight hits her, and there’s nothing else in the world but that voice.
Jo: … I can sing, too.
Jerry: Aw, Jo.
Jo: I can! I can do it! I take voice lessons, and projection, and fencing! I’m good at fencing –
Jerry: I know you are.
Jo: And I could be great. It just takes time.
Jerry: But Elena’s a star, Jo. She sings all over the world. She was on the cover of “Life” magazine!
Jo: So was Joseph Stalin.
Jerry: Look, all I’m saying is she’s a great artist and she wouldn’t just not show up. She’s very sensitive.
Jo: How do you know?
Jerry: (caught) Because I met her. Last year. It was no big deal. When I was in Italy, I went to La Scala and she was in “Tosca,” then afterwards I went backstage and … well, there she was, all by herself, behind the curtain. She was wearing this sort of … negligee … and her whole body was glistening with sweat. (now nervous) Anyway, she looked up and saw me and do you know what she did, Jo? She took my hand, put it to her cheek, and just … held it there.
Jo: What for?
Jerry: It was a gesture of art. And humanity. A sort-of universal show of fellowship.
Jo: She wanted sex, you idiot.
Jerry: Oh, stop it.
Jo: She’s known for it! She likes men in their twenties, all young and succulent. She’s like a vampire.
Jerry: I thought she was married.
Jo: She is, but you know the Italians. They try the spaghetti, then they try the linguini.
Selection 2
[Elena has finally arrived and Mrs. Wylie is close to a breakdown, but holding it together. Jerry is hiding in the bathroom of the hotel suite.]
Mrs. Wylie: I’ll make the introductions, shall I? This is Elena’s husband, Pasquale, whom we did not expect, but could not possibly be more pleased to have with us. And this is his wife, the incomparable Elena Firenzi, who needs no introduction, yet I seem to be making one anyway. My assistant, Jo.
Pasquale: John.
Elena: John.
Jo: Uh, Jo.
Elena: John!
Jo: (shrugging) She can call me John if she wants.
Pasquale: My wife would like, uh, the john. She throw up.
Mrs. Wylie: Oh, the john! Yes, of course, right this way.
Elena: Grazie.
Jo: The john. We misunderstood, you see, usually we say the STOP! There’s, there’s one in the lobby. It’s much prettier. Cleaner.
Mrs. Wylie: Are you all right, Jo?
Jo: Me? Fine. I just … they’ve got this lovely ladies’ room in the lobby. It has doilies.
Mrs. Wylie: I’m sure this one is swell, Jo.
Jo: No. No, it isn’t! Trust me.
Elena: John!
Mrs. Wylie: Right this way, my dear.
Pasquale: Forgive a-my wife. She’s a-stupid!
Elena: SHUT UP!
Pasquale: SHUT UP A-YOUSELF! (to Jo) She eats a-like a child, eh? We have food on the train. American food, it’s all a-greasy. And she eats a-too much. A hamboorger, a hot dog … I tell her to stop, it make you a-sick, she say ‘mind a-you business.’ So the waiter come by, Mr. Hot a-Stuff with his tight a-pants and he gives her the eyeball and he say ‘you wanna my French Fry, heh heh heh?’ and she say ‘sure, I like a-you French Fry, heh heh heh, and how’s a-you tater tot?’ and now she throws up!
((a knock is heard))
Mrs. Wylie: (to Elena) Excuse me.
Bellhop: Luggage for Miss Firenzi! (loudly sings a scale)
Mrs. Wylie: Shut up!
Bellhop: Where is she? I need to meet her!
Mrs. Wylie: You are not meeting her. Luggage in the bedroom, thank you.
Bellhop: Yes, ma’am.
Mrs. Wylie (to Pasquale): I’m awfully sorry about that. You’d think that people would have better manners.
Pasquale: Hey, it’s okay. Is no big deal. It happens a-ten times a day. Phone rings, I pick it up, I get “La Boheme.” I go to the barber, he cut a-my hair, he sing me “Aida.”
Selection 3
[Jo is alone in the suite with Elena, who is still quite sick.]
Elena: You stay here?
Jo: Yes. I-I-I mean if you don’t mind.
Elena: Sure. Help a-youself. (She belches). Scusi. That a-the tater tot.
Jo: You really are sick, aren’t’ you?
Elena: Is okay. I’m gonna live. In my village, they gotta saying “nobody ever dies from a-gas.” And believe me, they know.
Jo: But maybe you should take those pills. I mean, they might help.
Elena: Thanks, a-no. I need sleep, not a-pills. I gotta relax. Take a deep breath. Is not so easy, eh?
Elena: Why not?
Elena: Why not. Today it’s a-Cleveland. Monday New York. Rushing every place, I live in hotels. If I ever have babies, they’ll be delivered by room service.
Jo: I’m sorry.
Elena: When I’m a-tense, I feel a-sick, then I can’t sing nothing.
Jo: Nothing?
Elena: Singing is like a-life, eh? You gotta relax, take it easy. You get a-tense, you finished.
Jo: I know what you mean. I-I sing myself, a little.
Elena: You?
Jo: Yeah. I-I-I mean, not like you. I wish I could.
Elena: Hey, done knock youself down. Is no good. To sing, you need a-confidence. You gotta say ‘I’m a-the best. I’m a Jo. I sing good.’
Jo: I’m a-the best. I’m a-Jo. I sing good. But the trouble is, whenever I sing in front of people, I get tense. I tighten up. I can’t help it.
Elena: That’s it, eh? That’s a-me, now. My doctor, he say take a-pills. Phenobarbital. It makes a-you sleep. But I’m a Firenzi! I done take a-pills!
Selection 4
[Leo has been looking for Jo and he wonders why Elena did not attend rehearsal. He is a lady-killer.]
Jo: How was rehearsal?
Leo: Not zo good. Imagine me, the Flying Dutchman, playing Don Jose in “Carmen,” und there was no Elena! Und believe me, it was not zo romantic zinging der duets mitt der stagehand.
Jo: Yeah, I’m sorry about that. She’ll be there tonight, though, I promise.
Leo: Und it vill vork zo much better dat vay.
Jo: Uh, Leo, is there anything I can do for you?
Leo: Not really. I am ztopping by to give Mizz Firenzi a good Dutch velcome, instead of meeting her on der stage tonight for der very first time.
Jo: Gee, that’s … nice of you, but the thing is, she’s uh, she’s sleeping right now. She’s taking a nap.
Leo: Do you know what she could do for me, Jo? Yoost a zingle call from Mizz Firenzi to New York Zity and bing bang boom, I vould be at der Metropolitan Opera in less than two – t’ree days.
Jo: Well, yeah, that’s …
Leo: Four days tops! Five days max if there’s traffic on the Triborough Bridge. Zo therefore, Jo, it is zo important to me dat she gets to know me both as a zinger and as a human being. I am voice and body. Are you zeeing this, Jo?
Jo: Yeah, I am. I really am. Except right now, the thing is to just get here there.
Leo: (maybe this tactic will work) You are a very good-looking woman, Joj. Haz anyone told you dat before?
Jo: Sure, my – my mother and my Aunt Harriet.
Leo: Anyone zingle?
Jo: My cousin Ralphie. He’s technically single. He’s five.
Leo: You’re not going to let me zee her now, are you, Jo?
Jo: Later, I promise.
Leo: Zee you later, Jo.
Selection 5
[Mrs. Wylie and Jo have concocted a plan, but they need the hotel suite to be empty so they can keep working. Julia, who is simultaneously pretentious and clueless, enters.]
Julia: How do I look? The truth!
Mrs. Wylie: Like the Chrysler Building.
Julia: I knew you’d like it. It’s from Paris. Haute couture. I feel like one of those fancy French tarts.
Mrs. Wyle: Julia, for God’s sake …
Julia: Now don’t be cross, Lucy. I couldn’t bear waiting backstage anymore. I thought I might cheer up Elena! Suddenly before she knows she’ll feel vital again! Totally alive!
Mrs. Wylie: No, I don’t think so.
Julia: You know what this reminds me of? That opera, the one with the snow falling and everybody’s hungry all the time.
Mrs. Wylile: Julia! Please … just listen! I want you to go to the theater- now!
Julia: But that’s silly. I’m here already.
Mrs. Wylie: But you won’t be soon. You’ll be at the theater.
Julia: Not if I’m here. I can’t be in two places.
Mrs. Wylie: You won’t be in two places. You won’t be here.
Julia: Why not?
Mrs. Wylie: Because you’ll be there!! ((a knock at the door)) Now what?
Julia: I think it’s the door.
Mrs. Wylie: Who is it?!?!
Bellhop: Room service. Coffee for two.
Mrs. Wylie: We didn’t order any coffee.
Bellhop: You did so! Ask Jo!
Mrs. Wylie: Well, it’s cancelled.
Julia: Oh stop it, Lucy. You can’t let her stand there!
Bellhop: Thank you, madam. You’re very kind. That’s one out of two.
Mrs. Wylie: On the table please, and then get out! Julia, you too!
Julia: I wonder what’s keeping Miss Ferenzi?
Bellhop: Is she getting dressed? Perhaps she needs some help with her zippers. You know these opera stars, they’re helpless.
Mrs. Wylie: Take one step into that room and I will kill you.
Bellhop: Fair enough. I’ll wait out here.
Mrs. Wylie: You’re not waiting any place. You’re getting out!
Selection 6
[Leo and Jerry both think they have just experienced a passionate encounter with Elena, but Jo was pretending to be Elena so her experience was actually with Jerry.]
Jerry: (to Leo) What are you doing here?
Leo: I am asking myself der same of you.
Jerry: This happens to be a private party.
Leo: Ya! I agree! Zo please go get yourself lost.
Jerry: Elena, tell him to leave!
Jo: (to Leo, with an Italian accent ) A-leave!
Leo: No, tell him dat, you gorgeous t’ing!
Jerry: Elena, what is he doing here?
Jo: I …
Jerry: (to Leo) How long have you been here.
Leo: Half hour, tops.
Jerry: That’s impossible. I’ve been here a half hour.
Leo: Ja. I know. I vas here vhen you arrived. She said she vas getting rid of you as qvick as de possum.
Jerry: Elena, did you know he was in there?
Jo: I –
Jerry: You did!!
Jo: It’s a-not what you think, eh?
Jerry: How could you do this? After what you’ve said to me!!
Leo: She could not help herself. I used her oil.
Jerry: (to Jo) You temptress.
Leo: (to Jo) You znake in der meadow. (to Jerry) You are vaisting your time. She is love ‘em and leave ‘em. You do as your please, I am putting on clothings.
Jerry: I wouldn’t have believed it was possible. She seemed so lovely.
Leo: She iss lovely but tricky. You have got to hand it to her.
Jerry: I did. That’s the problem. ((Pasquale enters.))
Pasquale: One a-more chance, eh? One a-more chance and that’s it.
Leo: Oh mein Gott, she has got an udder vone!
Pasquale: Who are you?
Leo: A friend of der family. Who are you?
Pasquale: The family.
Leo: Elena’s husband?
Pasquale: That’s a-right. I’m gonna keel ‘er. I’m gonna keel her. I swear before God, on everything that’s a-holy, I’m gonna strangle her.
Leo: Zounds like a husband.
Selection 7
[It all comes to a head as characters converge in the suite, with some still not realizing Jo has been impersonating Elena and the real Elena has been pursued by the police. Jo is hiding in the other room.]
Mrs. Wylie: What are you two doing here?
Leo: Ve are passing by, zo we are shtopping in.
Jerry: To get her autograph.
Bellhop: Did you get it??!!
Jerry: We sure did.
Pasquale: (to Elena) They told a-me you were locked in the bathroom. They make a-me think you were fooling around!
Elena: Pasquale?? Me?
Jerry: It wasn’t her. But it was someone who looked like her.
Julia; It’s the lunatic! It must be!
Pasquale: Luna-what?
Julia: Lunatic! A madwoman! She’s running around the city pretending she’s your wife, and apparently, she’s violent. She actually hit a policeman!
Elena: No!
Julia: Yes! We should call the police. She could be dangerous!
Mrs. Wylie: Oh, I doubt that very much.
Bellhop: Let’s see who it is!
Mrs. Wylie: Stay out of this!
Pasquale: She’s a right, eh? I wanna see this a-lunatic. Pasquale wants to see her! Hello? Who’s in there? Come outta there! You hear me?
Bellhop: This is the police! Come out with your hands up!
Pasquale: I’m gonna give you three numbers … one … two …
Jo: Did I miss something?
Bellhop: It’s Jo!
Mrs. Wylie: Jo! What a surprise!
Jo: Elena, you look great!
Elena: Jo! My friend! They drive me a-crazy. You done know. Pasquale, please, take me a-home. We start again and make a happy marriage. Jo, thanks for everything.
Jo: Take care of yourself.
Leo: Lucy, is dat party of yours downstairs still voopin’?
Mrs. Wylie: I think so.
Leo: Good. Ve dance, ve nibble, who knows what happens. And den I take you to a supper club.
Mrs. Wylie: Dutch treat?
Leo: Ja. Dat’s vhat dey call me.
Selection 8
[Mrs. Wylie is confronting Jo, but it’s not really Jo – it’s Elena, who is very confused.]
Mrs. Wylie: What are you doing in here?
Elena: Nothing.
Mrs. Wylie: You haven’t changed yet.
Elena: Change?
Mrs. Wylie: I told you to change! For heaven’s sake, you’ll ruin everything.
Elena: I’m a-sorry, eh?
Mrs. Wylie: Look, I know you think this is great fun. But it’s not the time to horse around! Just imagine what would happen if anybody found out. My blood runs cold when I even - - is there a man in there??
Elena: Yeah.
Mrs. Wylie: Are you out of your mind??!
Elena: I’m not so sure.
Mrs. Wylie: Where is he?
Elena: The bathroom.
Mrs. Wylie: The bathroom? Are you crazy!! What about the body?
Elena: The closet.
Mrs. Wylie: The closet?! You stuffed the body in the closet?
Elena: It’s a big closet.
Mrs. Wylie: I want you to get rid of that man –
Elena: Which one?
Mrs. Wylie: … there’s more than one?
Elena: Two.
Mrs. Wylie: You’ve got two men in there? I know you had potential, but this is incredible.